I am at home today, I am taking some 'stress' leave. The people I work for know about it. I think that's a first, normally I might take 'mental health days' but I just say I'm sick. I am delivering a message. That enough is enough that I can't take it any more.. and that is truly how I feel.
Things have changed significantly in the past several months. Although others may think that it is all in my mind I do not believe that it is. The part that bothers me about that though is if it is all in my mind what does that mean?
I feel it happening to me again like happened at a prior so many years ago, where I reach a point in my mind where I feel so lucky and grateful for all the things that I have, where I feel autonomous and free where I feel empowered to make decisions and confident in my life...and then it all seems to fall apart, like a mirror falling onto the ground and shattering into a million pieces.
It is very obvious from many of my previous journal entries that I am not always happy, that I have experienced a lot of depression or sadness. What is the lesson that all of this is supposed to teach me? That life just sucks so get over it?...no I don't think so
The people that I work with they are not bad or evil, they are human beings just as I am, they think, they feel they breathe, they bleed, but I feel so much anger and resentment towards some of them Their words continue to haunt me. I feel I once had power, to persuade to influence to help make things better, but now it all seems gone I cannot have back what I once had, we are no longer working together towards a common goal.
I view it as stubbornness on their side. Their belief that they are just "right" and their is no room for any other view, that all decisions must be made by them
One architect says the develops are 'his team'
Another says that the analysts are 'her team'.
...I have nothing, and maybe that means that I am nothing? all feels lost, taken...ripped from me in the name of what is thought to be the 'greater good' and I feel robbed, and disrespeted.
