1) When someone is using words like ‘SHOULD’, ‘COULD’, ‘HAVE TO’
User Curious Tone (Really Try to listen to the persons reply and try to view his/her perspective / identify any BELIEFS he/she may have from the reply [note them later]
What makes you say that?
What makes you ask that?
I am curious! – What is your intention in saying that?
2) When you need to take time (get away and think about things, mull it over a bit, think of different perspective)
I’ll have to get back to you on that.
I need some time and think about it.
I feel a lot of strong emotions over what you just said, and I don’t want to react harshly, so I would like to take some time to think before I respond.
I’m not sure how to respond to that. Give me a minute if you would.
3) When problem solving / using dialog and suggesting different options. If an option strikes you with a particularly strong negative emotion / or something that conflicts with your values or beliefs
That’s not going to work for me (consider what belief / value it is conflicting with)
4) When someone says you that strikes you personally (eg: using words like “YOU ALWAYS”, “YOU THINK THAT…”, YOU NEVER”
Ouch!
That Hurts
It’s okay for you to be angry/mad, but it’s not okay for you to be mean.
5) When you break a promise or misunderstood a commitment
I know I agreed to do that, but I changed my mind – I’m very sorry.
6) When someone has expressed the notion that may have hurt their feelings or they use ‘I feel statements’ (ie: I feel when you do this…”
That really makes sense to me how you would eel that way.
Thank you for telling me your perspective on what happened. I really want to try and understand how you feel.
Thank you for telling me what you feel and need. I will, to the best of my ability, try never to say or do that again.
I am so sorry that I hurt your feelings. That was truly not my intention.
I understand that is how you feel, and this is how I feel…
7) When requesting something be changed (ie: wording something in a way that strikes you off balance)
I have a request to make, if you can do it that’s great, and if you can’t that’s fine to, I just want to ask.
When you say _____ it is very hurtful and I would appreciate it if you would try to stop.
8) When you are frustrated with a lot of “WHY questions. Why do you say that? Why do you think that, but Why Why Why !
I don’t necessarily need you to agree or understand what I am saying, but I would appreciate it if you would try to accept it.
