Loss of Control

Why can't I let it go!!!!!

I was brought into am meeting yesterday, where the team had decided it was better to go in one direction then another. The decision of the team doesn't feel like the best approach BUT at this point I'm not sure it matters much anyway.

If we went with the plan we had made last Friday this wouldn't even be an issue, the problem would probably be all over by know, but they wanted to go in a different direction and have spent the past couple of days deciding on this new direction. In either case what's done is done and most of the damage done by not taking the “other” direction has already been done.

All I was able to convince the team to do was to raise the possible risk that taking on this plan may delay the current release. The team is committed to working whatever overtime is necessary to get them back on track and believe this is the best option. Regardless of whether it goes against my better judgement.

Three paragraphs later and this isn't really what bothers me. What bugs me was some of the comments made by the architect during yesterdays meeting, just as “It can't possibly delay the release!”, and if it impacts the critical chain will just assign more resources or work overtime.

I'm the god damned release coordinator not him and he has no right! To trivialize my work and the hard work and effort I put into it!!!  And now I'm up and I can't sleep because I keep mulling it over and over again in my mind, I can push it off but it keeps coming back to bite me in the ass. I may never get real respect from this man. I mean at least he made statements that I was right and stopped making the comments after a bit, but I don't want it to happen again in today's team meeting

So I need to approach him calmly and discuss it but I don't feel calm I am nervous about the whole situation

So if E+R = OS, then what is my R?.. obviously it's not to put him down or make him feel guilty for undermining my role on the team. I want an outcome where when I make a statement that if he has concerns or disagrees that we discuss them 1 on 1 or with Jennifer or with my director or whoever but it is just not acceptable for it to be said in a team or mixed session with other analysts.

So here we are again, potentially facing an another impossible release all over again and I sit and evaluate my choices and lessons learned and need to decide what how I am going to respond. At this point I don't know whether or not it's all going to work about, but I do have full confidence in the teams ability to deliver and do whatever is required to make the right outcomes.

We are raising a risk of possible delays due to this decision made yesterday, so the client will be aware of the possible outcome. We are making the best long term decision for the login screen and all we can do now is wait and see how it goes.

Specialization is for Insects

The problem of today.. what kept me up last night from 3:30 was thinking about work; not the specific details or timelines, but of the odd question “what do I want to be when I grow up”.. but wait I'm 34 why do I have to ask myself this question.

The place that I work is amazing, it has values and is built on beliefs that are greatly aligned with how I feel. The quality system and processes match exactly with the company “I've always wanted to create”, even the sys admin activates, specific things are done just the way I would think to do them.

The people that I work with, many of them think the same way about things that I do, we all have a general interest in computers and can related to one another on a wide variety of topics?

So what's the problem??

The company that I work at wants it's employees (members) to have a “career track”, and idea of what field they would like to specialize in, so that they can help direct them towards that goal...sounds great right?

The problem is, I don't have “1” thing that I want to specialize in; I'm a “generalist”, I like to learn be curious, and set new goals for myself constantly. I don't want to be a developer, or a business analysist, or a project manager, or an architect. Not if it means that by choosing one of these paths I have to agree to “give up” other parts of myself.

I have a specific vision of who I am and I live towards it, I have specific goals for experiences I would like to obtain to help me grow, but not towards one “eventual” end state.

It is a great culture we have, but the idea of picking “one” thing isn't aligned with the vision I have for myself, so what do I do?

        A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship,                 design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying,                 take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyse a new problem, pitch                 manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for             insects.

— Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

Zombies, Camping, and Work

 Funny dreams last night

In one, I was the hero in a zombie/vampire story. I was trying to keep a group of us safe, while they tried to get into our house, we were on the roof for a bit and they kept trying to get closer and closer, and we call kept beating them away, we learned they were after some type of coded message being kept in the basement.

In another part, I was on a camping trip in a truck by myself, I had driven to some unknown town and for some reason decided to go into some other house that was empty and cook some food (macaroni and cheese I think). Only later for them to return home to the mess and want to know what I was doing there. I explained I was sorry but really wanted a hot meal.

In my third dream; I was at work, outside and I got very upset with a few folks that work for me (my director, and my project manager I think), I was shouting at them for something where they were wrong and I was right, and I just wanted them to recognize they were wrong and it caused an overly heated argument. I just wasn't feeling respected, and I don't think I was respecting others.

I think the first dream is related to me feeling like a hero yesterday at work, we finally got the help system up and running, when our app architect came out all upset at one of the clients, so I went back to my desk and solved the problem and made everything good again. The third dream I think was a reflection of that anger, blowing things out of proportion for no good reason. The second dreams seems that I'm guilty for something, taking something that isn't mine?

So the whole thing has me thinking about different ways people “deal” with stress. There has been a lot of talk between some of my workmates “blaming” the clients. Personally I feel it is unjust, plus I don't think it's a good idea to blame the clients. Also the problem is that in addition to not being respectful of others, I know they might be just people “blowing of steam” but is it really the best outlet to blame the clients?

Counselling and Journaling (META)

I suppose it's been six years since my last entry? Six years ? 

I think I've been going through one of the hardest times in my life right now at least in a long time, been feeling rather depressed and down on myself like I have no one to talk to and nowhere to turn.

The place where I work  has an employee assistance program called LifeWorks, I once used a similar program when I was at my last job

I've been feeling unusually stressed the past couple of months, and frustrated. I have been planning projects (releases) now for close to three years, and every one of them has been turning out okay, except this last one. Things have been running off track, everything that can go wrong seems to be going wrong, and on top of that I stupidity allowed myself to plan everything without any kind of buffer for murphy's law.

As we continue to fall deadline after deadline I've been growing more depressed, and I have been afraid of accidently pushing this out to the people I work with, my team members who look up to me for “optimism” yet I haven't had any to give.

So interestingly, as I was speaking to the counsellor, about all my feelings and concerns, she asked me if I ever considered “journaling”, which made me laugh at first, as I've bene journaling all my life,

But then I had a small epiphany, You see I gave up blogging at the begging of January, shortly after realizing that my latest release was basically shot all to hell and would require a lot of my time, effort and focus to get things back “on track”.

But what I failed to realize was that blogging was more than just a “hobby” but an important emotional release of my felling's on various topics, I way of emoting out things that otherwise I could not say to others.

On some level, of course I knew I was doing this in my blogging, but as I look at it now it seems obvious that giving up writing about my thoughts is why I am feeling such an unsurmountable amount of stress. I mean I was unable to think; unable to meditate, unable to do anything else, all because I wasn't getting the “feelings” out of me. Heck, I've been yelling in the van by myself to try and get the feelings out, talking to myself even. So here it is my attempt to get some of the stress off me by writing about it.

Not only that, just thinking of the possibility of being able to write my feelings down again starting to make me feel better, just knowing that I could have some “thing” to talk to if not someone. That I can sort out and release my thoughts.

What also helped, after getting things out of my system is the slow realization that I'm being too hard on myself. I know I'm doing the best job I can, we all are, and I can't be responsible for what everyone else does. And my attempts to “focus” on the release actually are working against me. “focus” is causing a depression. Too much focus on one thing...well it may not be a good thing.

And although I can give myself permission to “push away” the bad thoughts, I still need to take the time and release them, to get them out there, and that is the “secret” I have been missing.

So my big problem is with the projects application architect who is not a bad guy, but he's rather “old school” and thinks it's okay for things to run off schedule and miss deadlines. He is also very optimistic even when missing deadlines and doesn't seem to worry much about it.

This is quite uncomfortable for me to deal with to say the least. I'm the guy who treats commitments like promises and feels very personally guilty when things are not delivered.

So I'm not exactly sure where this is going, but hopefully writing it all down will help.