An apology (to myself)

Sometimes, I am racked with guilt. Guilt over past mistakes, when I come to a point where I finally recognize my own mistakes.

Sometimes this takes days, or weeks. Some guilt stays with me for years.

When I was younger, my mom and I frequently did not get along, we argued over things I thought were 'right' and she thought was 'wrong'.

We were on different paths, and the spot she was in within her life, was not the same as I the spot I found myself in mine.

I could not see, could not really understand this, and I was angry at her for it, resented her for not seeing things "my way". I said hurtful things some out of anger, and some out of "trying to make things better"

This has been a recurring theme in my life, to not accept certain 'types' of people. It's a prejudice, a stereotype against people who act and think at a different level or path then I do. I want them to follow with me, to believe in me.

I fail to recognize that they are just trying to do the best they can with where they are in life. I expect them to be 'the same as me', and that is not fair to them.  Instead of being encouraging and kind, I have been angry, even spiteful.

Inside I know, I feel guilty and I do not forgive, I do not forgive myself, I do not forgive others, sometimes I construct the others as the 'enemy'.

The only true way to move forward, is to forgive myself, to stop ruminating on the past, to focus instead on the here and now. To learn to accept all of the people in this world, to recognize that different people are on different paths, and that is okay. That not everyone wants the same things I want, and of those that do, they do not want my guidance or advice, and that is okay too.

So today I work to try and forgive myself, to try and be the best version of myself and to focus on what that means, and not the guilt of the past. To learn from these mistakes and grow compassion for those around me who think differently.