People respond to trauma in different ways. In order to move on, move past a bad negative event in our lives we need to find a way to cope, a way to order the world around us, to make sense of what happened, why it happened to us, and it changes who we are fundamentally inside.
Though out my childhood, I have been regarded as a 'smart person', and I like it. I like doing things that impress others. You could call it 'showing off', and in a way it is, but fundamentally it is about being happy with who I am as a person on the inside It is about using my skills and talents to try and help others.
Over the years, I suppose it has become my motto to help others, but that motto is not as altruistic as it might sound. I help others because it lets me feel good about myself. There are so many negative thoughts inside me of 'not being a good enough person' and the joy of helping someone solve a problem masks the inner pain of the possibility that I am not "good enough". This same feeling pushes me with ambition to proove myself both to myself and to others.
When I was bullied as a child, I turned it inward on myself, I attacked myself for not being good enough,. I still do to this day, perhaps it's a bit more logical, perhaps a bit less emotional. When I feel attacked, I attack myself even harder on the inside, believing I must have done something wrong that I 'deserve' it, that I am being punished for being too boastful, for feeling to 'full of myself'. It's like a barometer, trying to constantly navigate feeling good about myself, but not so good that no one wants to be my friend.
I have a problem with authority because the bullies of my past held a power over me, and it was unfair they held this power over me. To this day I don't want anyone holding over me the power to control what I am or who I am, or limit me in what I can become. I find certain authority figures in my life do ust that. My interaction triggers that 'bully' feeling from when I was young, and it scares me just like it scared me then. The difference now that I am older is that I have the confidence in myself to confront the "bully", something which I never had the courage to do as a child. My insecurity revolves around my fear these people holding power over me. My reaction is to 'fight back' in the hopes that the bully will back down. I even secretly wish for the satisification that he/she will fail at life, will be unhappy and miserable for the things they have done to me.
But as I said some people re-act to trauma differently. Perhaps, others when bullied rather then attack themselves inwardly focus instead on the feelings of personal humiliation. I watched a movie the other night where the boy was being bullied in a locker room, kicked and punched, his underwear pulled up (atomic wedgie) until he pissed himself, leaving him feeling angry and humiliated.
Now if you were bullied in this way, how might it effect how you look at the world? I bet it would be a bit different for you than it was for me. You fight against personal humiliation. For you it might not be about a power struggle but instead a loss of dignity, and how dare anyone try to take that dignity away from you! You might later learn to use that growth experience to crawl and fight your way through life building a reputation that demands respect from those around you. This may result in a high work ethic, and strong authoritarian style may excel you upwards. But all along perhaps you secretly fear the humiliation of being 'found out'. What if "they" realize I am not the strong person they thing I am? What if they find out and I am humiliated. Trusting others is difficult, sure some folks like good people, but how long will it be before he/she turns on me? Tries to make me feel humiliated? I can't let that happen! I won't let that happen. No one will EVER do that to me again!!
Like minds .. get along. Those who would feel like me, who would tend to beat themselves up about the smallest of things understand one another, empathy and compassion flow easily among them. Those who understand the horrors of humiliation likewise learn to appreciate, understand and respect the necessity of behaviors that require authority.
So I ask you, what happens when these two personalities interact with one another?
The person who wants to feel good about himself, who knows he is 'smart', who wants to use his skills to help others, who wants to impress others to "show off", but is deeply afraid of people trying to hold power over him because of the trauma of bulling, and the person (probably in management or a position of authority) secretly afraid of being 'found out' or humiliated?
Well for me it is a battle, because I see the authority figure as a potential bully trying to limit me prevent me from being my best version of myself. I see them bullying others in the same way too trying to get what they want regardless of consequences. So I respond in 2 ways, a) one to work harder to try and improve myself (because I start beating myself up) and b) confront the 'bully' with what they are doing and tell them it is unacceptable
...and what does the 'bully' feel when confronted? You guessed it humiliation!. All of there flaws and mistakes out their for the world to see? How dare you!
When the truth is neither myself nor the manager are "bad" people, but we easily push each others buttons. My desire to help and support others, and to point out what seems as bad behavior to me, causes feelings of humiliation which causes a re-action of anger towards me, which enforces my feelings of being bullied, and the cycle continues throughout adulthood. The bullying of our past never really leaves us, perhaps we try to manage it more professionally, but it always stays with us.
So where does that leave me? Well if I understand what is happening perhaps now I can find a way to feel more compassion towards the other person, to understand their reaction is about preventing feelings of humiliation, a concept that I admit is a bit hard for me to understand, but we both have an inner critic, a voice with the best of intentions to try and make us better people, but that does so by hurting us...
Think about what type of person you are. Perhaps you have not experienced the trauma but when you see it in a movie or read it, or watch it happen on the street, what do you tend to focus on? Do you feel angry at the bully for trying to exert power over the victim? Do you feel angry at the bully for the humiliation he/she has caused to the victim? Perhaps you can see both sides, perhaps you can empathize with both sides, but for me it's still a learning and growth experience.
