My Deepest Fear...

 I had a bad dream the other night, maybe it was a nightmare.

I died, and my wife did too as she was beside me, we were walking through what seemed like a forest path, we were walking to 'the light' I guess, but before we could go their, some hands came up from the ground along the bath and waved in that familiar 'ah ah ah' shape, telling us we had to go back.

So we turned around and started heading back, when another path occurred with more hands pointing us to the left.

As we walked left we suddenly found ourselves in some type of forest graveyard, full of tombstones, but not just any tombstones these had so many names of people we knew

And as you approached a tombstone of someone who knew you, their was a card lying their, and in the card was all the wonderful things that the person had to say about you, all the differences you made in their lives that they were grateful for.

Sounds pretty cool right? - but the only reason I knew this is what it was is because my wife had so many cards written about her, but try as I searched I could not find one card about me, not one card of anyone who I made any difference too, of any 'good' I did in the world while I was a alive!

As I was getting disappointed, suddenly another man or 'avatar' of sorts appeared to mock me. The form reminded me of Mike Tyson. He told me of course no one would have left me anything, as it can be plainly seen that in life, I was nothing but an asshole.

The thing  as I looked back, it did not seem like I was an asshole, I saw myself as a pretty good person, not perfect of course, but pretty decent. To which he laughed and said, that is because I was unable to see how truly horrible I really was, and this is not surprising since all assholes always think they are "good" people. No one really things they are 'bad' and they are often surprised at the end to find out who they really are!

I tried to deny it, but I could not, I remembered the times I  felt 'bad' but didn't know why the small 'glimpses' of being a jerk or an asshole that I had someone hidden in the back of my subconscious, I suddenly realized what a selfish, horrible life I had lead, and that is when I woke up.

So I realized - this is my worst fear - what if I am going through life, doing the motions, thinking I'm a "good" person, only to someday realize, that I have never once helped another person, never once did anything that made anyone feel loved or grateful to have me in their lives, what if I am deluding myself, thinking myself 'good' but I truly am not, and may never make any kind of difference in this world?