Most often though, I am awake as negative thoughts rush through my head, worrying about the day to come, or about things I have said or done in the past.
Worrying if I am 'good enough'. I don't usually have trouble actually falling asleep, it is just the evening wake up.
Tonight, is not one of those nights. Well yes I am awake, though, a few days ago I started to accept the thought that for some reason I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night whether I want to or not.
I have had a fair bit of luck with taking melatonin before going to bed. Oh I still wake up, but my mind is much less active and it is easy to settle myself back down and get back to sleep. Although it is a natural substance produced by the body, I still don't want to be 'addicted' to taking it every night to sleep. So rather then lie in bed, perhaps I am "supposed" to write these blog entries, to 'get out of me' whatever is inside asking to be free.
My thoughts this evening revolve around freedom, or maybe more clearly 'expression'. "Being ourselves". Wayne Dyer spoke of the soul as having a natural want to be infinite to not be confined by anything. When I hear this words I think of our 'wild selves'. I am reminded of the book "The Four Agreements" which talks about how society 'tames' us to its norms and standards, even shames us into how to act and behave in order to 'fit it'.
There is a constant balancing act between following our hearts and our feelings, living with freedom and expression, and the consequences about living outside the 'norms' of society. To be clear, I'm not talking about breaking laws and being a general sh!t disturber. I am talking about discovering or own values and sharing them with others who may not take kindly to our point of view.
Like it our not, their are people in our lives, that hold the opportunities we seek to reach our dreams. A person is not an island, we need the help of others to get where we want to go (once we figure out where that is) we need to know who can help us along the way.
Those with the power to help us, may also want us to change. If we truly want something ,are we willing to make this change? Change is an inevitable part of growth, but does it mean changing our deepest core values?
I suppose its something like the recent #metoo movement though not specifically about sexual harassment, but more generally about the power that "producers" have to get what they want from us, but what part of our souls, or freedom do we sacrifice in return?. and in the end does it justify the means?
It can be easy to abuse power, and not even know you are doing it, it can be easy to slip into victim thinking. Sometimes the whole thing just seems like a game, a vicious circle of bank and forth. Our soul trying to break free of the shackles that bind us, that keep us from expressing ourselves, while at the very same time hypocritically trying to change others, to limit their freedom, so that we can feel better about ourselves.
And yet, we are all the same you and I. Different skin color, different beliefs an values, different genders and sexual orientation, but linked like the branches on a tree to a common dependence on one another for survival, a thread that binds us together against the common enemy of death, as we struggle to be infinite, and fail to realize we already are..we already have all that we need.
Perhaps now, I can sleep
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